GuysNamedMike | Main / Origins

The origins of the name Michael are curious at best. While many maintain the first Michael was among the pilgrims, I refuse to follow that train of thought. It's my understanding, and nobody has told me differently yet, that Jesus' name was actually Mike. Evidently, God was totally set on the name Jesus, but Mary was all like, no son of mine is going to be running around with a crazy name like that. So while God probably should have had the last word, the birth certificate reads Michael Jesus Christ.

Why this has been hidden for so long is what really irritates me. Originally, when I saw that a movie was being made about Jesus, called the Passion, I was like, all right...awesome. Finally, everyone's gonna be in on the secret. I don't know if you saw this movie, but those sons of bitches completely screwed it up. Wasn't even close. And then, to just throw salt on the wound, I get psyched up for The DaVinci Code. But, shockingly, Hollywood screwed me again.

Now I know there are some skeptics out there, saying that I'm nuts, but even if what I've told you so far hasn't swayed you, which I doubt because my logic is flawless, I do have one redeeming, undeniable, undisputable piece of evidence. I was in the woods in Jerusalem last summer, and I stumbled across this tree. Ya know how sometimes there are douchebags out there who write, Jeff was here '06? Well, on the tree I saw "Mike was here '0". Year 0? Tell me that ain't Jesus. Exactly. Let the scientific community talk to me now.